Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I hate this feeling I have right now. It slowly creeps up on me and then just swallows me up whole. I will be totally fine and then for no reason what so ever I feel it bit by bit taking over my body. I want to crawl into a dark room and go to sleep or just cry. I want to hide from everybody and everything. When people try to say there is no such thing or to just ask God to handle it and that if I am truly saved there is no such thing as depression it makes me angry. I was fine this morning and then just a little bit inch by inch it took over my body like a shadow. OK you know how when you are on your lap top and you pause to long and the screen slowly darkens? That is how depression attacks me.

I was chatting with some friends today on line and they are all slim. I have never been slim for as long as I can remember. Even when I was not super fat like I am now I was heavy. I never had a boyfriend from school. I wanted one but never had one. I was 16 before I had my first kiss and then it was with a guy I met cruising who was older and was thinking he was getting laid. He had red hair and a big butt. That is all I remember about him. Yea what a great first kiss.... not. My point is being as I felt so worthless I settled for what I was able to grasp at.

I need to get on an eating plan. I need to lose weight. I need to get into shape. I need to get organized. I have so much I need to do and all I want to do is sleep. *sigh*

1 comment:

  1. Boy, I can relate to this post, especially that first kiss part. Mine wasn't all that hot either. I've spent years trying to just forget about it. A first kiss should be special. Not something someone steals from you. :(

    Good luck with the weight loss. I've been on a low-carb plan since October 1st and have lost 67 pounds. I was always skinny as a kid, but put on a lot of weight over the years from pregnancies. I guess I just did a really good job maintaining that weight. It feels so nice to have it gone now. If I can do it, you can too! :)