Monday, February 21, 2011

First off a fun picture of my and on of my besties from graduation June 1982
OK I have been reading the book *The Cause Within You* and I feel God wants me to take care of kids. It is the one thing I am good at and I love to do. I know that through things in my life that I was not blessed with, allowed me in the long run to take care of Megan.

I am a former foster mom of teenage girls from residential homes. One of the girls just came back to the Seattle area from a homeless shelter in Kansas. She has a 7 month old baby. She has an IQ of 79, has mental health issues and some severe arthritis. We are in need of a high chair, umbrella stroller, and a crib and diapers. She is living with a friend from highscool at the moment but may lose this place on Friday the 25. I have not been able to find other housing for her.

She is receiving food stamp, Tannif, Wic and I was able to get her medical coupons. The best situation would be in a home where someone could help her with the baby. I believe she receives $350 from Tannif that could be used for rent and utilities.

I am not saying this new girl and her baby are the right choice for me but it is funny how I am reading this book and asking God what my cause is and feeling like taking care of those that no one wants is what he has chosen for me. I am going to go to bed and pray about this when I go.

I hate the thought of a 17 year old being on her own with special needs and trying to care for a baby as well. The mental issues scare me because I have to protect Megan. If I feel this is my life's direction it will mean
moving Robert to the spare room and fixing his room up for whoever God blesses me with. Please pray about this for me and hope the Lord sees fit to let me know what to do.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Cause Within You book review

Pastor Mathew Barnett feels that we all have a cause within ourselves if and when we listen to God. He teaches us ways to learn to listen to what God is telling us our cause is and not what we want to tell God that our cause is. We get to see and understand how to prepare for our cause and how to use our own life experiences for our cause. We learn how to believe in our cause after things don't go as we expect and finally how to experience the rewards of our cause.
This book was amazing. Hearing how he went to the slums in LA to start the Dream Center and reach out to those that society had gave up on. Spending the night on the streets of LA's skid row as a homeless person so he could experience what they go through was heart breaking in his frankness of the telling of his story.
Members of the Dream Center tell their own personal stories about how they came to be saved and in turn work in the Dream Center and help others now. Hearing team member's Alfred's testimony about when he was approached by a grandma who just walked up to him and started to talk to him. He was fresh out of jail was a mean looking guy, had lived a rough life, was into drugs and gangs. Yet he says this elderly grandma with her dazzling smile and beautiful blue eyes was able to reach out to him!
There are so many stories in this book where people are sharing their salvation and then their cause and how it carries on to another person and another. A lady with a special needs daughter who finds her cause in caring for other special needs and terminal babies. She takes this on even though she is met with naysayers along the way including her husband. How many people have the love and trust inside of them to take in the care of a baby who is terminal? She trusted God even though she felt not ready to do it. She had the love of God to take care of these precious gifts to give them a real life no matter how short it was.
There is so much more to this book I think it should be a must read for every person. I grew closer to the Lord while reading this and now I am on my own personal search to find my cause from within from God.
I received a copy of this book from the Tynedale Media Center for my review.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My Strange Addictions

Why are people so mean in the comments over things they do not understand? On TLC there is a girl who is addicted to eating pottery and cigarette ashes. People do not believe this is real. Yes it is real and it is horrible to deal with a *strange* addiction. I am saying this from a personal perspective. I believe I suffer from pica and have to make an appointment with a therapist to discuss it.

What do I have an addiction to? It is embarrassing and hard to talk about. I started out having to chew ice. I mean the big ice cubes. I would get a glass and fill it full with ice like a whole tray worth and eat it. I would then go grab another tray and start in on eating it. Now I have a new refrigerator and can chew on crushed ice. I will wake up in the middle of the night and have to get me ice to chew on. I bring a cup of ice water to be so I can chew on ice through the night.
I then moved on to having to chew on paper. I do not swallow it unless by mistake but I have to chew on paper. When I can't get to paper I can have a panic attack almost. I love how it feels in my mouth as I crush it with my teeth. I even h...ave different types of paper that I prefer. I used to love to chew on Post-Its minus the glue. I chewed through 3 large packs of it in no time before I realized what I was doing. Oh and yes Post-Its brand is the best texture.
I love printer paper to chew on, and the tear out ads in magazines, I love the paper that is *dry* feeling not smooth. I have no idea how or why I started this but I have done this for over 5 years now.
My last *addiction* is coasters. You know the ones made of clay I guess it is? I do not know why I did the first nibble but I did it and loved it. I do not swallow this either unless by accident. I just like to take a nibble off a coaster and spit it out. I love the dry feeling and the texture. It is hard to explain. I nibbled my way through 3 sets of coasters. I did not eat the whole coaster just the outside part of them. I know it is gross and for the most part I no longer do this. I tossed all the coasters I had here so the temptation was no longer there.
OK I also crave dirt. I mean you know how on a hot summer day when you get the pavement wet or like after a first rain? That smell is what I crave to eat. I have licked a rock to get that smell/flavor and I have tasted dirt. It is not what I want it is that smell of a fresh rain on pavement that I want. Oh yea the jellybeans that were dirt flavored? I loved them. I have bought Robert some of the Harry Potter Jelly Bellies as a joke and I kept the dirt ones.
So please do not make fun of me do not tell me I am sick. I just wanted to let people know that yes some of us suffer with *strange* addictions and some of us want help stopping the behaviors.

Spring Fever

Even with the talk of possible snow and with our rain showers and wind storms I want to start a garden. I am going to move the plants on the kitchen window sill and start from seedlings. I have quite a few seeds and would love to have a great start for spring. I am going to get my tomato seeds and my cat nips seeds going tomorrow.
I think most of my garden is going to be in containers. The pictures I posted are what I am hoping for in my own containers. I mean carrots and tomato's and all of that! So does anyone have any ideas on what is great in pots? I had wanted to do this last year but with my health issues I just never got around to it. Jason is getting frustrated with how bad the yard and back porch is and is saying he is going to start throwing stuff away. I am going to get it all fixed up before he gets to.

I have slowly but surely been getting the house in order and it is making him happy when he sees that I am trying. I wish I had more energy then I do but it is getting better. I need to get my sleep back on schedule so I can wake up earlier and get stuff done.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Megan and My Gagability

Gah, gah, gah, ulah. whoosh. That is what I got to hear last night. Just as I was shutting everything off to go to bed. No not the dog or the cat but Megan. I had been so happy that I got her to eat yesterday and the boom all gone.
I honestly want to know how in the world can a child who is laying on the couch that is covered by two large pads, a long towel that covers the arm rest and pads, as well as a blanket can cover the couch cushion with *leftovers*? Talk about a nasty mess to clean up. Pizza hut is not better the second time around.
I am not sure if Megan over ate, might of gagged on a pill or had a flu bug or what. I just know she does not need to lose anymore weight. I got her to her bed and thought I was going to get to sleep in my own bed. I got worried hearing her move around and not able to tell if she was up so I ended up saying by by to hubby and went to sleep with her. I could of brought her to my bed but I can not take a chance that she would get him sick to.
It was a restless night again for us. She wanted to hold onto me and have her face on mine. Well normally this is OK but eww she had barf chunks in her hair still! I mean I cleaned her up the best I could but I could still smell it. I really, really and I mean really hate that smell. Just writing about it I can smell it again.
I wish I could take a picture of her legs and show how bruised up she is from falls. It is insane how black and blue she can get. With the recent falls last week she has quite a few. It is hard to put her in dresses and shorts in the spring and summer looking like this. I also hate the looks I get from strangers who see the bruises and wonder if I did it. I have had to explain many times to a doctor why she has a bruise here or there.
I love her to pieces even when she smells like barf she is still my princess. She did get a long bubble bath today and her hair washed really well. Yes she smells nice and clean and like my sweet angel once again.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Agape Dinner

I went to the Agape dinner tonight with Jason and we had Robert stay home with Megan. The dinner was so much fun. I love time out with hubby and to add in other adults? How fun can that be!
Megan has been doing a lot better these last few days. She is not sleeping as much as before and she does have a decent appetite. I might not like what she likes to eat but hey calories are calories right now. Her favorite thing other then McDonald's right now is sour cream and onion chips dipped in spinach dip. Oh and she is also drinking really well as well.
This morning Jason, Megan and I all slept in. I didn't want to get up and was cold and Megan was nice and warm. I then noticed she was very wet. Gah! Yes she was soaking the bed as well. I got up and took her to her room to change her. As I am taking off the diaper she pees some more, OK now the diaper is floating with pee and it is ready to run all over me. UHG. I am almost there and she has a bowel movement. Wow I have been up 5 minutes and have been peed on and pooped on.
I will be taking Megan with us to church tomorrow and I want to dress her up all cute and such. I am thinking her fancy blue dress and her dark tights. Might do the rub red slippers as well. Hope to remember to do a fancy hair style to boot.
I have been making progress on my house. The pantry is almost done. I do not have as much food as I thought I did. I think I have the top side shelf left is all. There is any food in that section there is just a few odds and ends that belong in the cleaning closet. Oh yea if I had one that is.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

ER Visit

After doing the blog last night I ended up taking Megan to ER. She had fallen 4 times and was getting more off kilter. We ended up being in ER from about 11:30 to 5. I was dead tired and Megan had a burst of energy at that point. She decided at 6 AM she was hungry and thirsty. 4 chicken nuggets and a chicken wrap along with 2 cups of milk a cup of coffee and 2 cups of water she let me take her to bed.
I ended up being awake 45 hours with an hour of sleep. Not a good idea when you have to think. Oh I forgot to tell you. Megan had a full IV, blood test and a chest x ray and everything was negative. I have an email into her doctor letting her know what is going on and asking if she can get us in. Oh and Megan is now down to 86 pounds.
OK going to give her final medicine of the night and get to bed.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Megan Marie

I feel so bad for Megan lately. For the last 2 months something has been off with her.  More seizures, more tiredness, less appetite, no energy. Today she literally can not walk. She got up and tried to walk and fell down right away. She has fallen I think three times today here with me. I took her out to eat and she could not put one foot in front of the other to walk 20 feet.
I am really getting worried about her. I wish in a way that we could put her in the hospital and have her fed through a tube. I also know how much she fights that and it is not fun. Please keep her in your prayers.
I found out that she wears a size 1 in jeans. Wow now that is tiny. These are the Hannah Montanna jeans. I mean no female needs to be that small. OK so today I had her dressed in this gorgeous red sweater and her black size one jeans and a black tutu that has silver sparkles. Oh yea I love my tutus for her. Part of the reason I love tutus is they really are cute. Second of all is they hide the bulk of her diaper and help her just look adorable. I have bought her her this black one, a purple one, one that is a deep red with black lace and ties up the front looking like a shoot forget the name! Like a pirate barmaid lol. Hey a winch lol knew I would remember it. I am trying to think what other colors she has. I am going to try and find a pattern on making them so she can have all kinds of colors.  I love Target for the tutus they are the cheapest there even not on sale. I pay a lot even then but she has worn these for over a year and wears them each like every other week. Megan is like a real sized barbie doll.
I am not going to post as much tonight I was up all night last night and just took a short nap from 9 to 10 when I went to cuddle with hubby. I passed out about the time hubby was wanting to wake up and talk. My back is hurting tonight from having to lift Megan into the Explorer and pick her up off the floor a few times and lifting her into bed.
I still want people that complain about everything to come stay with me. I want them to look into Megan's eyes as she is having a 3 minute seizure, not breathing, lips turning purple, eyes full of tears and her body jerking so hard you can literally hear the muscles strain. Having her come out of the seizure and gasping for breath, drooling all over the place, looking at you with terror in her face, having her be totally confused. Then they can go back to their quaint little life and think about complaining.

Great post on a diabetic snack and giveway

Check out this post

This lady is in my neck of the woods and is just as crazy as I am if not more so. SHe has wonderful givaways all the time and her blog is always full of interesting and fun stuff.


God has a great sense of humor did you know that? He also makes sure that any time you say never that there is a good chance he will say wanna bet? God has a way of making things happen even when you think it is the last thing you would ever do.
I remember in high school seeing the special needs kids and they scared me. I wanted nothing to do with them. They were different then me more of an oddity then even I was and yes I was an oddity in high school.
I swore up and down I would never, ever, ever in a million bazillion years take care of a *kid like that*. Fast forward 30 years and God has blessed me with Megan my step daughter. I really hate that name *step* it seems to downgrade my relationship with Megan. I am Megan's mama. I am her mommy. I am her mom. Megan is the most precious special unexpected gift from God.
I admit that at one point I felt as if God was punishing me for leaving my son after the divorce. It did not matter that I had no choice at the time or a place to live or a job I had a guilt and was angry for a long time.
How could I of ever felt Megan was a punishment? I had to grow up a lot even though I was in my mid 30s when I became Megan's mama. I had to learn that life was never going to be the same or easy but different and boy different sure is a blessing.
Megan is now 19 with multiple disabilities. She is non verbal, incontinent, has a multi seizure disorder called Lennox–Gastaut syndrome, has atypical rett's which is basically a form of autism to make it easy to understand. She has been rated mentally from 3 months to 18 months depending on the task. Megan is 5 feet 2 and around 90 pounds give or take 5 pounds. She has long, beautiful, deep red hair, lovely green eyes, the sweetest mouth that is the shade of light pink lip stick without the lipstick. A perfect heart shape face with an adorable button nose and her face is scattered with angel kisses aka freckles.
Megan may be non verbal but with her eyes she can tell a story. There is no mistaking what she means when those eyes flash. Megan is a fun cuddle bug and hugger. I don't think that there is ever a day that Megan does not make me laugh or smile. I can spend hours watching her sleep with her sweet mouth moving and her eyes in deep sleep. She is simply beautiful to see. Most people when they see us do not realize she is special but learn real fast when Megan lets out her shrieks of joy! I get a kick out of peoples reactions to them. Oh yea she can get shrill and loud!
She also gets a kick out of the shrieking sound and hearing her voice. It is interesting her reactions in an empty room how much fun she has. I learned this when her room was being painted and there was nothing on her walls to buffer the sound. I am talking she would wake up at 3AM just to laugh and yell. It really keeps you on your toes.
At times I will break down and feel sorry for myself and Megan for her not getting to go to the prom, have a bf or even a kiss, for her to get married and all the stuff. If I stop and let it get to me I can get very angry. I can get very mad at people that complain they do not have a 300 dollar dress for prom or can not take a limo, etc. I feel like strangling them and saying *Hey you get to go to prom my daughter can't!* Most people complain about such petty things I wish they could live a day, wait a week, no wait a month with us and see what we live with.
My husband Jason and I had one night for our honeymoon leaving at around 6PM and being home by noon the following day. We had 2 nights in Vegas, one night for a friends wedding, and one night at the beach. Yes that is all we have had without kids. 6 nights since April 1999. I miss having weekend getaways without kids but even when I am away from Megan shopping or what not I worry about her non stop and want to hurry home. To be honest I don't trust anyone but me with her medicine and taking care of her. I know her dad can do it all and he has but I still want to be there for her. I know if I leave town to go on a mini vacation with girlfriends Megan will need me and I wont be there. Talk about being dependant. I am talking me not Megan lol.
I take a lot of pictures of Megan. She gets mad at me but hey I love to share her picture of her with friends. I also want to make sure that I have thousands of pictures of her in case she goes to heaven before me. I want to be able to remember her in all her glory and have pictures to share. She really is a incredible gift.
I have had people including DSHS,friends, and family suggest we place Megan in an institution. This question is like red hot anger to me. I have told any DSHS worker that even starts to ask this question that if they ask me that and want an answer they are welcome to leave my house that placing Megan is not an option to me. Megan stays with me as long as God allows me to care for her. Jason has left this up to me saying if I feel I can not care for her or do not want to care for her we can place her. I would cut off my right arm to keep Megan with me. She is my princess, my punkin butt my mini me. Megan is what makes me laugh when I might be angry enough to spit fire.
OK going to close this blog so it does not get to long.