Regets

I have not been able to sleep tonight thanks to my mind thinking sad thoughts. I am missing my son Tony something fierce. I missed out on all of his dances and his girlfriends and everything. Due to choices made on my end for whatever reason I missed out on my son growing up. I know it was what God wanted for me to end up where I am at. I know that, but still I miss my son.
I have told the story before and it is old news. I left a marriage thinking i was going to have a safer and happier life somewhere else. I was at a low point in my life and alone with no family willing to help me.  After choices had been made then yes family was willing to help me but by then it was to late to stop the chain reaction.
I know that my mistakes/ choices did save a friend from making the same mistake and she is still happily married and with her kids. No my marriage was over but I would of liked to of done things differently to where I was able to be with Tony more.
I was betrayed by people that I thought loved me. people that made promises to me until I found out to late blood is thicker then water.
In my divorce I lost my marriage, my son and best friend and honestly all of my friends. My friends that knew what my home life was like all turned their backs on me. Not one of them cared. They spread lies about me and gossip galore! What is the worst is a lot of the stuff got to Tony and he repeated it to me. Shame on all of them and you if you were part of that.
When you give up on life and do not care if you live or die and actually want to die, when you sit at an intersection and want to run a light during a busy time, when you start to drink take sleeping pills and wake up pills you slowly lose the light inside of you. You become a robot with no feelings or desires. You at this point give up on life and you make bad decisions that will haunt you for the rest of your life.
If you know me you know how bubbly I am. Yes that is how most people describe me if you don't know me. People love how friendly and caring, sweet, happy, free spirited in a way. I am told I am youthful that I make everything fun. No one knows the heart ache I still hold inside of me. No on really knows the anger I still have inside of me over how thing happened.
I know it is not what God expects of me but I just can not let it go yet. There are days when I want to take my fingernails down someones face just to hurt them so they know pain. They caused me such horrendous pain and yet never paid a price for what they did. They got it all and yet they gave away what I most desired. They did not want what I wanted they just did not want me to have what I wanted. needed, desired, loved.
I am sure this will not make sense to anyone but me but that is fine. This is my blog where I say what I need to say. I think having my hubby here being mad at me has caused the bad feelings inside me again from the ex. I do not like to fight and usually will just pull away. Having someone mad and muttering at me and slamming doors and making mean comments hurts a lot. At times it would be better to just be hit then to have the stress that goes on.
Thanks for my mild rant and it is not what I was going to say but i guess my fingers say what they want to say.