Regets

I have not been able to sleep tonight thanks to my mind thinking sad thoughts. I am missing my son Tony something fierce. I missed out on all of his dances and his girlfriends and everything. Due to choices made on my end for whatever reason I missed out on my son growing up. I know it was what God wanted for me to end up where I am at. I know that, but still I miss my son.
I have told the story before and it is old news. I left a marriage thinking i was going to have a safer and happier life somewhere else. I was at a low point in my life and alone with no family willing to help me.  After choices had been made then yes family was willing to help me but by then it was to late to stop the chain reaction.
I know that my mistakes/ choices did save a friend from making the same mistake and she is still happily married and with her kids. No my marriage was over but I would of liked to of done things differently to where I was able to be with Tony more.
I was betrayed by people that I thought loved me. people that made promises to me until I found out to late blood is thicker then water.
In my divorce I lost my marriage, my son and best friend and honestly all of my friends. My friends that knew what my home life was like all turned their backs on me. Not one of them cared. They spread lies about me and gossip galore! What is the worst is a lot of the stuff got to Tony and he repeated it to me. Shame on all of them and you if you were part of that.
When you give up on life and do not care if you live or die and actually want to die, when you sit at an intersection and want to run a light during a busy time, when you start to drink take sleeping pills and wake up pills you slowly lose the light inside of you. You become a robot with no feelings or desires. You at this point give up on life and you make bad decisions that will haunt you for the rest of your life.
If you know me you know how bubbly I am. Yes that is how most people describe me if you don't know me. People love how friendly and caring, sweet, happy, free spirited in a way. I am told I am youthful that I make everything fun. No one knows the heart ache I still hold inside of me. No on really knows the anger I still have inside of me over how thing happened.
I know it is not what God expects of me but I just can not let it go yet. There are days when I want to take my fingernails down someones face just to hurt them so they know pain. They caused me such horrendous pain and yet never paid a price for what they did. They got it all and yet they gave away what I most desired. They did not want what I wanted they just did not want me to have what I wanted. needed, desired, loved.
I am sure this will not make sense to anyone but me but that is fine. This is my blog where I say what I need to say. I think having my hubby here being mad at me has caused the bad feelings inside me again from the ex. I do not like to fight and usually will just pull away. Having someone mad and muttering at me and slamming doors and making mean comments hurts a lot. At times it would be better to just be hit then to have the stress that goes on.
Thanks for my mild rant and it is not what I was going to say but i guess my fingers say what they want to say.

I am so excited that the weather is getting better and summer is on her way! This means camping on the weekends, fresh produce, warm breezes through the windows, canning, and so much more. I love spring and summer fall is OK and winter if not for all the holidays I would hate it. I am so not an overcast, cold, rain, ice and snow chick!
Hubby is going to rebuild my pantry with wood shelves to hold all of my canned goods. I plan on canning a lot of apple sauce, peaches, pears, nectarines, and more. I need to search and see what all there is to can. I really want to freeze a lot of vegetables as well. I plan on buying some asparagus this coming week and freezing quite a bit. I would can asparagus but being as I still have a glass to I have to water bath them and thus can just pickle them. Oh yea I want to freeze broccoli, cauliflower hmm what else? The garden will be full of stuff this summer so I am excited, Oh yea I will be canning a ton of tomatoes to be sure.
Crummy news is that Megan is super sick. She has a nasty sinus infection and she is just not doing well. Hubby is sick to and I have it as well.
OK enough chat for tonight goodnight my lovies!!

Digestive Health

OK I drank most of that rank crap for my colonoscopy. I swear that it is torture drinking it. To me that was worse then going potty. I was doing research on how to make it go down easier and saw that most people said to use a straw. OK I tired that but finally today I decided to just gulp it down without the straw. A lot faster and easier for me. I would also take a gulp of white grape juice in the middle and suck on a green mint.
So now I am waiting to head up the hill and be prodded and invaded by a man that is not my husband! Bwah ha ha. Sorry have to have some fun with all of this. The bathroom part that I hear so many scary stories about was not bad to me. I guess with my fecal issues already it was just a bit more in a shorter time then normal.
I do have dinner in the crock pot already and have had it going since 8AM. It smells so good and I am so hungry right now. not being able to eat or drink is hard on me. I want to grab a cup of water! I think hubby will need to get me some fast food to eat on my way home!
XOXO my lovies!

Health

I am still having health issues with no answers. Tomorrow I am doing a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. I will see if they show anything. I just know that having diarrhea 20 times a day is hard on my body. I have gone five times today already and I have not ate a thing. I had some diet Dr. Pepper. Before you blame that I had gone three times before even having that!
My at home sleep study showed no sleep apnea. I am now going to do a sleep study in the sleep lab. I have been using Jason's C pap machine and I do wake up more refreshed.
This is just irritating how I feel. I want to go back to bed as soon as I get up. I love to sleep and never feel like I have enough sleep. Nap time it happy time!
My blood test and fecal test have been normal for the most part. At least I no longer have E-coli!
I am going to start a food diary and see if there is a connection to what I eat and my bathroom issues. I am sure I will be lactose intolerant. I hope to try and stick with the healthier meats and cut out more and more beef. I rarely eat pork unless it is ribs or bacon. Even then my pork menu is very slim. I just do not like pork chops at all!
OK now that I bored you with my health issues I shall say...
Tata my lovies!


 

Life has been crazy here once again. I keep losing time to post and I love to post my stories.
I have to say I love this picture of Megan. She was drinking her milk and making funny faces this day for some reason. The happy news is Megan is now up to 93 pounds. She was at a low of 76 1/2 pounds in May before we had the feeding tube inserted. Megan still is not much on eating food but she is getting better about it. She loves chocolate milk and Hawaiian Punch type of sodas.
I myself have been dealing with some health issues here and have had quite a few different labs done this last month. I did have e-coli last month which added to my health issues. I did a sleep study Monday night and hope to have some answers to that soon. I will be using Jason's C-pap machine being as he wont use it. I am now on a vitamin D regimen as well. I have a colonoscopy and an endoscopy next week even.
I have not been into my couponing much lately but I plan on getting organized with that next week and be back at it. I love to save money and find good deals. I have no idea how I slack off so often at it. Oh yea today I did do one good deal. I bought the Mio energy drink enhancer on sale and with a coupon I ended up paying 99 cents for it! It is normally $3.99 at Safeway here.
OK I am done for now and will post more when I remember! Maybe I can set my alarm to remind me?
Love and kisses! D